Young Writers Society

Hi! Sorry this has taken me so long, been a bit busy I thought this part was really well written though!

Oriel stood by the open door. “We leave at noon. Get the thief ready before then,” He turned around without further ado, and was engulfed by the night. Ecchi closed the door silently after he had left. “I think our dear Oriel does not care for me much,” she said with a solemn (I'm not sure if 'solemn' is the best word to use here, a solemn expression is without a smile so it seems a bit odd to use it here to show what the smile is like. Maybe something like 'grim' or 'wry' would be more at place?) smile, which evaporated off her face as fast as it had appeared.
She turned around with such grace that it seemed like her face would have appeared in front of the thief. (This sentence at first seemed a bit confusing to me- are you referring to how she quickly turns around almost as if to appear like she flashes up before him? If so, I think you could rephrase it to make clearer what you are talking about. Here's an example that might work- 'She turned so gracefully that it seemed like she simply appeared in front of the thief.')
“Now my dearest thief-“ she gently brushed her forefinger on his cheek and let it slide down all the way to his chest, her dark feline eyes just inches from his face, “- what is your name?”
The thief swallowed, his eyes trailed the witch’s fingers.
Must stay focused, he tried to clear his head by shaking it without any results (It's up to you obviously but maybe 'success' instead of 'results' would be better here ).
“They call me Prince of nights, the successor of the king of thieves,” he answered, trying to sound as omnipotent as possible, though his voice came out more shaky than powerful.
Ecchi whistled in false admiration, “ Oh, a prince!” she clapped her hands like an over enthusiastic little girl, “Why, I must show you something prince,”
She walked past the thief. He looked over his shoulder. Ecchi was moving a shelf off a red fur carpet. (Here I think it might work to add a bit more description- you have previously shown how graceful the witch is so something on how she walks past him (for instance how fast or how beautifully) I think would fit in to give more of an overall image The same with her moving the shelf and how the thief looks over his shoulder.) After being caught by the witch she hadn’t let him out of her sight for a second… before this moment that is. Multiple ideas were racing through the thief’s head, and he struggled to keep up with all of them.
I could run, said the voice in his head. The witch would vaporize me before [s]we[/s] I got out of the door, came the after thought. I could just cut her throat, said a third and much more silent voice. Could I really kill her? I am no murderer. He argued inside his head (I don't think you really need this sentence, the reader already knows that he is arguing with himself inside his head and this doesn't add any extra information. I'd either just leave it out or change it to show something of his distress). Besides she would probably blow my insides out before I [s]w[/s]could even get close to her neck. The small conversation inside hi[s]s[/s]m continued until Ecchi was finally able to move the shelf off the fur carpet (I thought she was already moving the shelf off of the carpet- was she having trouble doing this? You didn't mention about her struggling so I'd add something in here to show why there is such a delay in her moving it (or perhaps have him thinking very quickly as she moves so really very little time has passed whilst he is arguing in his head) ) . The thief made a decision.
He turned his head towards the door and ran for it. Furiously he gripped the door handle, and opened the door, when Ecchi’s melodic voice reached him: “Prince could you come and lend me a hand?”
The thief noticed how his legs would slow down like they would have been locked, ending (It's up to you but 'cutting' or something similar might fit in here better than 'ending' ) his feeble escape attempt short and he fell face first onto the paved road. (Did he manage to get outside then? You could add quite a bit more detail here as to whether there were people there, the fresh air hitting him, the sky, noises- as it's him trying to make a dash for freedom this would be his main focus and I'd add more detail to show how frustrating it is that he cannot reach it.) He pushed himself up with a groan of frustration, and with slow but firm steps his legs walked back to Ecchi.
He could feel the blood dripping from his nose, signals of pain were reaching his head, but then again that was the least of his troubles.
Ecchi kicked the fur carpet back [s]and[/s] to reveal[s]ed[/s] a trapdoor (I rephrased this sentence a bit to run smoother but it was ok as it was so do as you like ).
“Men are supposed to open doors for women, don’t you think?”
Prince grimaced but obliged. He pulled the trapdoor open; he was met by the stench of mold and ancient blood.
Ecchi smiled, “Oh what a gentleman,” she all but purred.
“My chivalry sometimes astounds me,” his voice was as dry as a brick. Ecchi giggled, and descended down a staircase into the hidden cellar. Prince wiped the blood off his nose then continued to follow her. As he closed to the end (just 'neared' instead of 'closed to' might be smoother here) of the stairs the smell of death was beginning to become more and more overwhelming. Ecchi whispered a few short words; a pair of candles lifted (When I first read 'lifted' it made me think you might have meant to say lit until I read on, perhaps saying they 'floated' or started to rise would be better?) up in turquoise flames. The candles lit the cellar with a bluish light. It wasn’t a very large space for a cellar, maybe four meters wide and long. There was a perfectly symmetric octahedron on the rough stone floor, identical to the one upstairs, but for two things: it was drawn with blood, and there was a body, long dead, in the middle of it. Prince could feel how the carrot stew that he had had for lunch started slowly to progress to his mouth. The octahedron was inside a five spiked star, the mark of darkness. The star had been drawn with chalk, and was also solid proof of Ecchi’s witchdom. (Sorry but I don't really like how the last part of this sentence sounds- especially not 'witchdom' at the end, perhaps you could rephrase it? Here's an example- 'providing further evidence to Ecchi's witchery.') Ecchi walked over the markings to the other side of the room. The wall facing the thief had been taken over by a massive cupboard. Ecchi opened the cupboard.
“Do you have a weapon?” she asked the thief.
“A knife.”
Ecchi let out a dissatisfied sound. “You were trying to rob me without a proper weapon,” she said. She turned around carrying a fine silver short sword, which gleamed black in the turquoise light.
“The elves of night may not be able to craft iron, but there are few swords that can rival theirs,” She handed it to Prince. “Just don’t loose it.”
She walked to the body on the floor and pulled something attached to its stomach. She took out a medallion. (Is the medallion what was attached to the body that she first pulls? If so I'd maybe relate it more to the previous sentence so they don't sound like two different things. For instance you could say that the something turned out to be a medallion ) She put it on Prince.
“Why the jewelry?” The food had almost got to his mouth coloring(As it's smell not looks maybe 'lacing' would be better? I'd also maybe think about just saying 'a disgusting smell' as it would be one really instead of 'smells' ) his breath with disgusting smells.
“So that I can always know where you are.”
Prince turned around and vomited on the floor.
“Am I really that disgusting?”